the post that you've all been waiting for [why i'm not going to japan]

this is the post that is hardest to write. i've been quiet, many of you have noticed and i guess it is finally time for an update! i know i don't owe anyone anything, but i'm an open and honest person and i think i am finally ready to write about this next chapter in our story. but get ready, it's not a happy one.

the short version :: scott is going to japan alone and gemma and i have moved back to my hometown of clinton, mississippi. i have gotten a teaching job and she is about to start preschool. we are hopeful about the future but honestly have no idea what it holds for our family.

the long version :: marriage has never been easy for us, i have alluded to that in the past. we got married in a whirlwind and although at the time it seemed very romantic, we now realize that we could have benefitted from knowing each other on a more day to day basis instead of seeing only the yearly vacation versions of ourselves that we got to know while he was on leave from the military. letters, phone calls and trips are so romantic and i love that part of us but we were young and made a lot of mistakes.

when i say mistakes i mean big ones, not my habit of never folding laundry or his love for video games. no, those are normal newlywed problems. we were separated by oceans our first year of marriage and it was hard. but all of those stories are ours to keep privately and learn from.

as we tried to move forward  - most of you saw that i was moving to san diego and celebrated with us that we were finally going to live together after a year of marriage. pictures make everything seem wonderful! but the reality is that we both had a broken heart, broken by the other. what we needed was the Lord but we clung tightly to each other and our friends and never got the true healing we were searching for.

we handled our pain in different ways - girls are typically more clingy and guys tend to run towards distraction. so while i isolated myself in our marriage and put everything into this one thing working out (in my mind at the time IT HAD TO and I was going to make it better), scott hung out with friends a lot. neither way was the best or solving anything but we were just both trying to survive.

then the most wonderful thing happened, gemma came along. i know people say babies don't help a marriage, but boy, our little surprise sure did. we fell in love with her quickly and hard. she lit up our world and bonded us together in the sweetest way. family time became more important and although things seemed better on the surface, our hearts never truly healed.

time has gone by, deployments have come and gone, new orders to japan were given and gemma is now 2! we have gone through seasons of hope and seasons of heartbreak, always thinking it was about to get better. but these last few months it got much worse - more distance, more hurt, still so much love but unsure of how to be a good husband and wife anymore. the reality was - something had to change.

i won't lie and say that this decision (for us to not go to japan) was mutual because it wasn't. this is not what i wanted. but i also won't say (on a blog or to any friend i see) anything bad about my husband. i love scott, completely. i always have and i believe i always will. he is a good dad and a good man and i know that he loves us, we are just tired.

i am an incurable optimist. yes, i am devastated but God has given me the gift of faith where my outlook on the Lord and my family is rarely ever defined by my circumstances.

we made a decision that something needed to change and i believe that is true. while this isn't what i would have picked, i believe that God is working good together for us and that we needed space. we need healing. i do not know what the future holds but i am confident that in the middle of it is a little girl who has two parents that love her with all their hearts and surprisingly, are still good friends.

from 30 days blog

on being her mother

it is a strange thing, to have a daughter who is so similar to you (to me). this might be nothing new for so many of you, but you see, i'm adopted, and it's a strange thing for me.

i was born in a california hospital many years ago, my birth mother held me as she cried, and then gave me away forever. i do not know her name but i keep her picture beside my bed, a picture of love and gratitude. a picture of a woman who shares my face and my features, but i do not know anything about her. to me she is love and selflessness all the same.

yes i could find out more about her, but suprisingly, i think i like the mystery. a mystery can't break your heart. or not return a letter or hang up the phone or slam a door in your face. a mystery can't ask too much or give too little. a mystery, the woman who carried me and gave me life, my mother, can stay a stranger for now because i already have a mom, the one who wanted to take me home from the hospital and love me for all the days that followed.

but yes, it is such a surprise to have a daughter who is so much like me. everywhere i go people say, "wow she looks like you!" and every time i see my family they say, "wow she acts like you!"

here are some things i love about my little twin...

her sensitive spirit

 she loves to sleep. and eat!

she is a mess

 and can't ever find anything

sometimes she whines and cries a lot

but she is stronger than she knows

she is fiercely stubborn and strong-willed

and so funny

she is lovely and kind

playful and girly

she is a good traveler and likes to go new places

which is why i'm not worried about her adjusting to our new life in japan

she loves music and dancing

but will only show that if she is close to you

she sings her own little songs

and will draw for hours

and basically just a doll

can you tell i'm in love?

gemma we are so so thankful to God for you

thank you for making me a mother

i am so glad I get to keep you forever!

this sweetness might have something to do with the fact that she turns 2 in less than a week! 

what is it about birthdays that makes us so emotional? 

:)

new day

today is february 8th, the sun is shining and the day of love is getting closer. today it was supposed to rain but we got sunshine instead!

i have at least 10 photo shoots this month and next week I'M AUDITIONING FOR WHEEL OF FORTUNE! i could put a thousand !!!!!! at the end of that sentence and it wouldn't be enough. this is a bucket list moment, such a fun opportunity. i'm trying to stay calm and channel all the nerves and excitement into one AMAZING audition where i solve all the puzzles first, call out letters really loud and have so much personality everyone in the room wants to give me a hug.

we have had beautiful weather lately and spring with scott and gemma has officially begun - i love living in San Diego where it always feels like spring, no matter what the calendar says. here's some instagrams of what we've been up to...

no one

so today i was getting ready to clean so i put on alicia keys radio and right after that gemma brought me a picture she found around the house. she has become quite a collector - she will go searching and bring you anything from your coffee mug to spare change to a garage opener to a picture, all in five minutes.  she brought me this one, from the first morning of our honeymoon after we arrived in maui the night before. we were tired but so, so happy.

 something about this particular morning with this song and this picture just got me. 

i know that marriage is never easy, but with our life, i think it might be harder for us maybe? you take two people who got to know each other through a long summer, letters, phone calls and visits and what do you expect? most people get married after they know each other very very well but oftentimes in military relationships people get married so they can finally just be together and get to know each other in the same place. you take a leap of faith and jump into commitment. at the time we thought - we're so in love! you and me against the world. but years later we can see what our parents were talking about! 

but no matter how hard it gets, scott is still the one person i want to talk to when something goes wrong.  the one i want beside me when friends ask me out to dinner or i'm invited to a wedding. the one i text or call every time gemma does something hilarious, because who can share that moment the same way as us? the one i want to love, forgive and fight for forever. and ever and ever. 

you and me together

through the days and nights

i don't worry cause

everything's going to be alright

no one, no one, no one

can get in the way of what i'm feeling

no one, no one, no one

can get in the way of what i feel for you

when the rain is pouring down 

and my heart is hurting

you will always be around

this i know for certain

no one, no one, no one

can get in the way of what i'm feeling

no one, no one, no one

can get in the way of what i feel for you

oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh

he's hoooome!

homecoming in pictures

preparation

anticipation

reunion

together again 

(alternate subtitle: why did i eat so 

many french fries while he was away?}

happy days at home

now we are finally off to get a christmas tree 

and spend time with family who gets in tonight!

in Christ alone

in light of this week's news, i want to write a moment to try and reflect on the sorrow we all feel and try to guess why it has affected me so much. their age, their innocence, the cruel violence of the crime - it has struck a nerve with everyone and i just cannot imagine the pain each family and that community feels. friday after i found out it felt like the wind was knocked out of me. complete and total shock that someone would do this to the most innocent among us and those there to teach and protect them.

i adored my first grade teacher and especially the assistant. mrs. brown was very tender hearted towards me and wrote me a note that i cherished as a seven year old and still have today. even once i left that grade myself, i grew up in a first grade classroom since my mom was a teacher's aide at our small town school. my friends and i happily roamed the elementary school halls freely and i spent many afternoons helping my mom with projects after school or just watching them work so hard for the children they loved. 

many years later i got to teach first grade! i have always said it is my favorite year because of the innocence but also the wonder, frustration and delight of learning to read. i think mostly though i love it because it's what i know, it is so familiar to me. the children still want to hold your hand sometimes, they have just learned to tie their own shoes so you (usually) don't have to, if you are lucky they still think your jokes are funny, they aren't embarrassed to cry when a book moves them, and they are significantly less grumpy to be at school because it is still such a place of discovery and fun for them. they love recess, want to please their teacher and will shower you with sweet notes and hugs all day long. a friend posted this description of a teacher's job and heart.

To parents who aren't educators, this may be hard to understand.
Five days a week, we teach your kids. That means we educate your kids. Play with your kids. Discipline your kids. Joke with your kids. Console your kids. Praise your kids. Question your kids. Beat our heads up against a wall about your kids. Worry about your k

ids. Keep an eye on your kids. Learn about your kids. Invest in your kids. Protect your kids. Love your kids.

We would all take a bullet for your kids.

It's nowhere in our job description. It isn't covered in the employee handbook. It isn't cited in our contracts. But we would all do it. So, yes--please hug your kids, really, really tightly. But on Monday, if you see your kids' teacher, please hug them, too. 

like many jobs, teaching is much more than mental - it takes everything you have to give. i only taught one year because i met this really cute guy and decided to marry him, leave everything, and follow him around the world! but yes, first graders still have my heart. 

today i read that in one classroom everyone was huddled together holding each other close because they were so afraid. there are no words - no child should ever have to feel that fear. it is such a heartbreaking picture. Lord please help us. 

in a time like this it is okay to ask the hard questions, i do. it is good to get on your knees and whisper or cry out your thoughts. God can handle whatever you are thinking, i promise. earlier i was washing dishes but i had to stop, cry a little and then a lot, pray and finally ask the question that has been hiding in my heart since friday, "Lord why didn't you protect them?"
i know what he did was evil, i know that was his free will, but if You have all authority in heaven and earth, why didn't You intervene and stop him?! i believe that God was there that day, that he was evident in the teachers that gave their lives and the love that poured out from so many, but i had to ask my hard question and let it rest there. 

a few quiet moments after that one and this song came on my ipod. i know the song well and listened casually as i continued to wash plates and bowls, but by the last verse i heard it. i heard what God wanted me to hear - no guilt in life, no fear in death, this is the power of Christ in me. from life's first cry to final breath, Jesus commands my destiny. no power of hell, no scheme of man could ever pluck me from his hand. til he returns or calls me home, here in the power of Christ i'll stand. 

he was telling me, he loves each one of those children and he is taking care of them now. he knows each one of their names and was there with each one. from the beginning to the end of their time here on earth, Jesus commands their destiny and no power of hell and no scheme of a crazy man can touch his authority, power and plan for the ones he loves. you might not have needed to hear that, but tonight, i did. it gave me peace for tonight and more joy for tomorrow and for the days ahead. 

you can listen here

In Christ alone my hope is found
He is my light, my strength, my song
This Cornerstone, this solid ground
Firm through the fiercest drought and storm
What heights of love, what depths of peace
When fears are stilled, when strivings cease
My Comforter, my All in All
Here in the love of Christ I stand

In Christ alone, who took on flesh
Fullness of God in helpless babe
This gift of love and righteousness
Scorned by the ones He came to save
'Til on that cross as Jesus died
The wrath of God was satisfied
For every sin on Him was laid
Here in the death of Christ I live

There in the ground His body lay
Light of the World by darkness slain
Then bursting forth in glorious Day
Up from the grave He rose again
And as He stands in victory
Sin's curse has lost its grip on me
For I am His and He is mine
Bought with the precious blood of Christ

No guilt in life, no fear in death
This is the power of Christ in me
From life's first cry to final breath
Jesus commands my destiny
No power of hell, no scheme of man
Can ever pluck me from His hand
'Til He returns or calls me home
Here in the power of Christ I'll stand

those teeth

i feel like i better go ahead and write the story about the teeth before i forget how i feel. before i forget the details and the sweet encouragement from so many of you.

let me start at the beginning - with her gums. ever since gemma was a baby baby (yes i repeated the word twice), she had really noticeable gums. a lot of people commented on it and we would often hear, "she's so gummy!" we didn't know what it meant but we agreed. her big smile has been one of her brightest features.

as you can see in that last picture, her top two teeth were getting ready to pop through. once those two teeth emerged, the conversation switched from her gums to her teeth. everywhere we went, we heard, "look at those teeth!" yep, they're there. she was a teething machine and handled it all in great stride. 

but you can see where she gets it from. scott and i both have nice big teeth...

this was meant to be a sentimental post, but somehow it's getting funny. an ode to teeth!

her teeth came in quickly and she had all of her baby teeth by the end of this summer. then began a new issue - instead of fussing about her teeth coming in, i now worried about her getting hurt because of them. her front two teeth rested on that bottom lip and well, gemma is not the most graceful little thing. she gets that from me. we both fall A LOT! there were countless times that she would fall and her teeth would cut her bottom lip. it was never pretty but every time i rushed to comfort her, i was always relieved to see those teeth were still there! it was just a little cut that always healed quickly.

chantelle comforting her after yet another fall

so the reason i am writing this post is that last week something finally did happen to her teeth. she and i went to the park down the road from our house and she played while i snapped photos. my goal was to get a christmas card worthy picture. i got some beautiful shots but the light kept getting better so i wanted to keep taking pictures.

  

the more i tried, the more gemma resisted me.  she is only one, she didn't want to pose, she wanted to run and play. her mood went from happy and delighted to defiant and sour. 

i cringe and think now - if only i would have stopped. if only i would have just let it go. 

this is the last picture i took of her. the light was perfect but she got up and ran away! i was so mad! 

i yelled loudly, "gemma COME BACK." but she squealed in delight and ran away, fast. she ran so fast that she fell face first onto the sidewalk. she screamed and screamed. when i got to her a second later and picked her up i knew something was wrong. there was too much blood. i started shaking and telling her "i am so sorry" over and over again. all i could think was - i need to look at her mouth. 

once i finally pulled her face up and got a good look i saw that her front two teeth were gone. again i cried, "i am so sorry". i quickly fumbled and searched all over the sidewalk but i could not find those two teeth. she was in pain and she was messy, i left the sidewalk and carried her back to our stroller. my hands could not stop shaking as i tried to buckle her in. i wiped all the blood and tears away and we both cried quietly as i walked her back to our car as fast as i could. we had to pass people walking their dogs and older ladies staring, wondering what in the world that baby was crying about. i wondered if they had heard me yelling at her a minute before. i wondered if they felt as i did, that i pushed her too hard to do what i wanted instead of just letting her be a little girl and play. 

it was so hard to put her in her carseat because she wanted to be held. i was so torn between comforting her and getting her to see a doctor as quickly as possible. obviously i did both. i gave her water in her sippy cup and that calmed her enough to ride in the car. by this point she was fine but i was not. i was sobbing, completely sobbing. i called a friend and my mom and cried into the phone. all i could think was that gemma was hurt and it was my fault. i could not stop replaying the sequence of events and all the things  that in my mind, i could have done differently - stayed home, different shoes, not chased her, stayed in the grass. the truth is that gemma ran from me. the truth is that gemma falls all the time. the truth is that accidents happen and i can't protect her from everything. 

i got to the hospital and took her inside to the emergency room. checking in was difficult because my hands were still shaking. getting out my id, filling out the forms - how do you write and speak to people with such a shaken hand and heart? that is the moment i knew i needed help. we sat down in a chair and i updated my status asking for prayers. 

"we are at the ER yet again because gemma fell and her two front teeth are completely pushed into her gums. it is the saddest sight to see your baby sad and in so much pain :( will you pray for us? I am completely spent and need Scott but he is so so far away. if anything just please pray that I can stop crying and be strong for my baby girl."

a few minutes of sitting and waiting passed and slowly i was able to act a little more normal. a few minutes more and gemma and i were talking and even playing a little.

"do not be anxious about anything, but in every situation, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and minds in Christ Jesus." philippians 4:7-8

knowing that people were praying for us just helped. prayer works and i felt the weight of the situation lifted, i felt like people i loved were carrying this burden with me. i know they're just teeth. i know people go through so much worse. but on that night, after 6 months of being apart from my husband, i had nothing left and i was so completely sad and exhausted. if you said kind words or prayed for us that night, i cannot thank you enough! and i am so thankful for a God who calms my heart.

"what a friend we have in Jesus

all our sins and griefs to bear

what a privilege to carry

everything to God in prayer!

O what peace we often forfeit,

O what needless pain we bear,

all because we do not carry

everything to God in prayer"

by the time our name was called to see the dentist in the er, i was calm and able to explain what happened. gemma, on the other hand, wanted nothing to do with the strange dentist who tried to look inside her mouth. he was amazing - he blew up a glove her to play with, he gave her plenty of time to warm up to him, he told stories about his own kids - but she was not having any of it. we finally decided to take an xray of her mouth to see if the teeth were there. when i went in i had no idea if her teeth had been pushed up or if they had broken off and were gone. the dentist said she could have easily swallowed them. but thank goodness! the xray was quick and blurry but it showed her teeth were both there and intact. at that point there was nothing more to be done. so i took my baby home and the waiting game began. 

we are waiting to see if her teeth come down on her own. what she has is intrusion back into her jaw bone (looks like her gums). the dentist is hoping that her teeth will come down in the weeks and months to come. we have a follow up appointment scheduled and i feel great about the pediatric clinic we found out in town! they have murals of mountains on the walls. i feel like i'm in a scene from the movie Heidi when i'm there. it's such a pretty office and they are just so nice!

all in all, it was traumatic but we have recovered. people continue to say, "i know she's fine now but how are you?" i am ok. i am letting the guilt go and working on accepting grace as a parent. learning not to blame myself is hard for me, but necessary, because i guess it is true that i cannot catch her every time she falls. i wish i could but i can't. and i see that with or without those two teeth, gemma just keeps on smiling! she amazes me. 

i belong with you, you belong with me, you're my sweetheart.
so show me family, all the blood that i would bleed
i don't know where i belong, i don't know where i went wrong, but i can write a song
i belong with you, you belong with me, you're my sweetheart